Thursday, October 9, 2008

Clomid and IUI: Not This Month

I got my period this week, so I should be on Clomid right now. But I'm not doing it this month because my husband is going to be on the other side of the country for the entire week when I'm fertile. Aargh!! That is so frustrating! And this is the month that I'll probably be ovulating from my "good" side, so we would have been able to try IUI, which would probably at least double our chances of conceiving.

So I'm disappointed. My chances of getting pregnant this year are lower than ever. In November I'll probably be ovulating from my bad side again, which means that we probably won't be able to really have a decent chance again until December. Sigh. But it's okay. Tonight I hugged and cuddled with my 3-year-old son a lot and felt so thankful to have him. What a deeper perspective this whole infertility ordeal gives me. I don't know that I would appreciate my boy as much as I do if I'd been able to have more children as easily as I had John. It makes me realize what a treasure motherhood and children are. So that is one good thing about going through secondary infertility (as well as primary infertility, I'm sure): it teaches you not to take things for granted, and I'm grateful for that.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

IUI Is a No-Go This Month

A week ago I went to my doctor's office to get an ultrasound done to see on what side follicles were developing on. My right side is my bad side (i.e., the side where there's just a little stump instead of the right half of the uterus), so the left side is where things are good. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed that follicle stimulation was happening on my right side, so we're not going to do IUI this month. It's disappointing, but I'm used to disappointment, and it's not that big a deal. What's another month when you've been trying for 2.5 years? My husband and I still had missionary-position sex on my supposedly fertile days. My doctor said that sometimes the egg can find its way over, even when things are weird like they are for me. And presumably there are a few eggs floating around due to the Clomid, so who knows!

Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up too high. The chances of a pregnancy happening this month are very low!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Good Article

I just came across a nice little article about secondary infertility. I especially liked the section that deals with the various conflicting emotions that you can go through when dealing with this. It's so true!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

More Preggos!

There is just no getting away from pregnant women! I watched Saturday Night Live last night on DVR, and Amy Poehler is sporting a big pregnant belly (not for a skit; this one's real). This morning I had on Fox News Channel, and Janice Dean "The Weather Machine" is pregnant. I'm happy for them, but I'd rather it be me. Aargh!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Clomid Days

Sure enough, I got my period a few days ago. So I've now officially begun the first fertility treatment of my life. Yesterday I took my first dose of Clomid, which I'll be taking every day this week up to Friday. It makes me feel hot! As in, warm, which is different for me because I get cold so easily. I'm hopeful that it will work, but I'm also not getting my hopes up too high, because there's a good chance that it won't. We're doing IUI with it too. More on that later!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Late Period

My period is a day or two late, but I'm not getting excited about it and I'm definitely not taking a pregnancy test! I've fallen into that trap too many times. The negative result without fail makes me feel so sad, so I don't even use them now. The period always comes. When it's late, I've learned to work hard not to let my hopes get up, which has proven to be a pretty good defense mechanism that helps me to steel myself against disappointment when it does come. I hate periods! They take on a whole new meaning, a worse one than usual, when you are trying to conceive a baby!

What's Up With the Baby Boom??

You know how it is when you haven't been able to have a baby, but it seems like everyone around you is? It's enough to drive you either crazy or to the brink of depression, or both. Up until recently, I took the news of other people's pregnancies a little hard. Sometimes I took it very hard, depending on what time of the month it was. It's gotten better lately, but I still find myself automatically inwardly rolling my eyes when I find out about yet another pregnancy. Sometimes I think sarcastic things to myself, like, "Geez, save some babies for the rest of us." I know this is wrong, but it is borne of envy of others and resentment at my own inability to do what so many other women do with hardly a second thought. And that makes me kind of hate them in a superficial, detached sort of way.

Right now there's some sort of a baby boom going on. At my church, there are at least four women pregnant right now, and probably more that I don't know about yet. My younger unmarried sister recently announced her first pregnancy, which was a total shocker but one that I am excited about (although I laid there numb in bed the night I first found out). I found out last weekend that one of my cousins is pregnant. I was driving through my neighborhood today, and there was another pregnant belly, on a woman who was just had a baby two years ago. (Yeah, I rolled my eyes when I saw her today.) I found out two days ago that my friend's wife is pregnant for the first time. Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant. Tiger Woods' wife is pregnant. And it just seems to endlessly go on and on. Enough with the pregnancies already! When will it be me? Will it ever be me again? Am I destined to have one child and no more?

Despite my feelings of jealousy, this whole ordeal is giving me a lot more empathy. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, a couple I knew who were having infertility problems saw me for the first time with my preggo belly, and the woman's eyes seemed surprised and sad. At the time I felt almost guilty for being pregnant while she wasn't. Why me and not her? Now the situation is reversed, and I can understand why women feel that way, because I'm one of them now. Although I am fortunate enough to have had a child. I can't imagine enduring this without having one yet. I guess our problems are all relative in the grand scheme of things.